Wanted: Dead or Alive

Have you seen these men?

They were last seen in the Basel area on the night of Saturday, November 21, cutting a swath of destruction through this quiet, law-abiding Swiss community.



Authorities received two dozen reports of individual acts of preversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here. Unfortunately for everyone involved, photographic evidence of these remains.

The man on the right, referred to cryptically by the pseudonym "beef", is accused of using a fountain in town square as a shower while wearing slacks, Army boots, and a Seattle Mariners sweater. Witnesses report he was cleaning encrusted puke out of his hair which had somehow gone unnoticed during the day.



After emptying the contents of his stomach on the couch of his host and then sleeping in it, this man threw his abandoned three-piece suit into the courtyard. Apparently on the run from an evil he cannot comprehend, "Beef" promised to look in the mirror and start asking some serious questions. However, those close to him remain skeptical.



It is unknown how this individual appeared in Basel, but it appears he arrived from Asia shortly before the incidents. Babbling incoherently about someone named "hard-working Bobby Jones," this disgustingly drunk individual was last seen leaving a local watering hole with a woman of questionable repute. He may have also been squatting at a local hotel.

Civilized society owes a debt of gratitude for any information leading to the capture of these individuals. All who encountered them agree - they should not be allowed to walk the same streets as you and I. May God have mercy on their souls.