Don't get me started.

How many ladies out there like to date? Raise your hands. (pause)

It’s hard here in Basel, isn’t it? There’s a whole bunch of stiff, shy guys who are more concerned about their appearance than talking to a woman.

And then there are the Swiss guys!

(Pause for laughter)

Seriously ladies, how boring are the Swiss guys? Having a conversation with them is like talking to the dullest person ever. I was in Atlantis last night and I had this conversation.

“So, Uli, what do you think of the Schengen agreement?”

“I don’t know, there are arguments for both sides that make sense.”

“Yeah, but what’s your opinion?”

“I don’t know…”

It’s like, c’mon? It's harder to get a Swiss guy to state an opinion than to keep all the foreigners out.

Where I come from, men have opinions. My dad has lots of opinions. He thinks my mom’s ass is too big and she should get him another High Life.

(Pause for laughter)

Just kidding, I love you dad.

(Pause for laughter)

But seriously, how many of you have dated a Swiss guy? One, two of you? What did you think?

I think they’re really negative people. My last Swiss boyfriend was so negative – the only thing he didn’t put down was the toilet seat.

(pause for laughter)

Don’t get me started.

And not to mention the sex. Who else likes sex in this room? Me too. But getting my Swiss boyfriend to go down on me was harder than getting Switzerland into an armed conflict.

What’s the Swiss-German word for foreplay? Wait, what was it? Kein wort?

But it’s frustrating, isn’t it? I mean, do I have to hold a referendum to receive some oral sex in this country?

(Pause for laughter)

Don’t get me started.

Ladies, we can’t wait for the men to fulfil our needs. We’d be waiting longer than the line for Thai Buffet. Sometimes we have to take matters into our hands. I just got a new vibrator. It has two settings: on and… on. Am I right?

The only thing that’s unpredictable here in Basel is the weather. Can you believe this weather we’ve been having? Yeah, I know – it’s crazy!

So who likes to shop? I know I do. The first three German words I learned were “Visa oder Mastercard.”

I told my boyfriend I was going to shop ‘til I dropped. I shopped – and his bank account dropped.

But it’s expensive in Switzerland, isn’t it? 200 francs for a pair of shoes? I would appreciate it if you bought me a couple drinks before you bent me over.

Thanks, that’s all the time I have. You’ve been great! Margaret Cho’s on next!!!