The Return of the Clocks

Resolution: I will start updating this again in the New Year.

The Return of the Clocks

Resolution: I will start to update this again in the New Year.

From Peter King's Monday Morning QB

2. Spokane is underrated. Warm, friendly, people reading, people doing stuff outdoors, people doing family things together. Cute little downtown.

Here's the link to the whole story:

For the record, moving training camp away from Cheney is lunacy. It's one of the reasons the Seahawks have such a strong following in Eastern Washington - do you have any idea how many families plan trips to Cheney to watch a whole bunch of guys run punt cover?

Snaketacular!

Sssssnakes on a Plane may be the greatest movie in hiss-tory.

I checked it out with Warren and Mak Attack last night at Pacific Place and it was an event. People dressed up and hissed at the screen. Cheer and applause flowed like sangria in spain.

The most triumphant part came towards the end, when the entire theater yelled along with Samuel L. when we had had it with the mutha-whattin snakes.

Just a great, great movie - a personal favorite. I recommend everyone check it out at your local cinema - the sooner the better, the best part of it was the energy in the theater. esta pelicula es muy bueno for the colleagues logging on in spanish.

It will be interesting to see how wesince ll it does at the box office, considering this movie was entirely marketed by word of mouth. it seems the movie studios are catching on with the kids - the snakes myspace page was pretty neat. I mean, you know, I liked it enough to put it in my top 8.

For Regula, who will be starting her new job in Russia soon

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

World Cup Journal Part IV

June 17: KAISERSLAUTERN - Hungover and hurting, Beef and I roll into K-Town for the US-Italy game. This was the best/worst night of the trip. A group of about 10 of us met up in the Brauhaus Am Markt at the Yanks Abroad “Red White & Brew” party. Pre-match games of quarters broke out among the many of Americans in attendance. I was pretty underdressed (grey polo and shorts with American flag cape) compared to everyone else. The sounds: a lot of “America…f*%? Yeah!” a little “HEEEEEEYYYYY, EDDIE JOHNSON (Ooh. Aah.) I wanna knoooooow will you score a goal?”

June 18: BASEL – I sought refuge on the only place I could think of after I was separated from Charley. Sans cell phone (handy in Germany), low on cash and hygiene, with my spirits dangerously low, I took an overnight train home and my friend Ida, bless her heart, took pity on me. She let me come over to her place and clean myself up. We spent the day catching up by the Rhine and I departed the next morning for Munich.

June 19-20: MUNICH – Lots of beer and yet another fumbled gyne at Fanfest by the Dave Kreig of Europe.



June 21: COLOGNE/AACHEN/MOSELKERN/BURG ELTZ/CONFUSION AND RUIN

June 22: IDAR-OBERSTEIN – Not Ghana advance.

June 23-26: BASEL – Switzerland, sweet relaxation, and Swedish girls.

June 27: COLOGNE/NEWARK/SEATTLE – I hate Continental. Once again, the entire plane was subjected to the most atrocious double feature in airplane history – Jennifer Aniston’s dreadful “Rumor Has It” followed by some movie where Sly and Sunshine from “Remember the Titans” drove race cars. On the way over, I also got a movie where a blonde Alexis Bledel played a mermaid who managed to become human and fall in love with the surfer boy, much to the chagrin of the popular girl in town. Good stuff.

World Cup Diary Part III

June 13 – 14: IDAR-OBERSTEIN – I spent these days at Beef’s place in Idar-Oberstein. Nothing happened, unless you count playing a lot of World Cup 2006 on X-Box and going running in the area around Beef’s place. He’s really blessed to have a huge apartment in a really, really pretty area of Germany. The weather was gorgeous all of these days and I kept in good shape running around the high mountain meadows and trying to avoid the giant eagle that wanted to eat me. And I got dressed down by an Army Press Officer at Landstuhl.

June 15: WIESBADEN - Charley and I depart for Munich. The goal: a tour for journalists at the BMW factory I managed to get into on the morning of the 16th. We were both pumped for it and left at about 16:30 on Thursday. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Our train got delayed because some crazy was on the track threatening to commit suicide. He also fucked our travel plans, so we had to crash for the night in Wiesbaden and continue on our journey the following day.

But, there was a silver lining. When the conductor made the announcement, I pulled the patented Andy-asks-the-hot-chick-what-he-just-said. Her name was Melanie and she was totally into me. Since Charley and I were stuck for the night, we hung out for a bit with her in Mainz. But there was some other American dude who sidled up to us because he was ditched by the girl he was going to meet and didn’t have any place to stay. Boo-fucking-hoo. But Chuck and I wanted to get on to Wiesbaden, where Charley’s friend Tryg had just scored a new apartment, so we had to bounce.

Charley: “It’s always tough to punt the gyne.” Truer words have never been spoken. And so is the story of the second fumble.

June 16: MUNICH – I don’t know if I can accurately describe the carnage, so I’ll just set include a few words. You can fill in the blanks.

Charley. Cheap sunglasses. Munich. Cash. Biergarten. Au-pairs. Naked from the waist down. Kebap. Muhammed Jihad.

World Cup Journal Part II

June 10: BONN - I woke up in the Bonn, the old capital of the West German republic. I’m not a hundred percent sure how I got here, but for some reason I decided to leave Hamburg and meet up with my friend Simone in Cologne the night previous. Helped a German who wound up on the business end of a collision with a tram and had a good portion of his forehead literally ripped off. I wanted to take a picture (they last longer) but decided it was in bad form. Anyway, dude was in bad shape – he couldn’t walk, either because he was horribly concussed or just drunk as shit. So we called the ambulance and I left him with some other Germans.

I partied with Simone that night drank a whole bunch of Koelsch Bier, which might be my favorite beer. It’s available only in the Cologne area. Ended up in a typically German club (read: in a dark basement playing Rammstein and Die Toten Hosen).

The night before was some kind of an event. The Germans won their opener 4-2 and German flags were everywhere. I think every German between the ages of 14 and 40 was out that night. Just a great atmosphere.

June 11: GELNHAUSEN - I left Bonn to meet up with Beef, who had watched the England game in a pub in Frankfurt. He picked up a bunch of sweet England gear, sometimes paying for it, sometimes bargaining, and sometimes bartering.

Anyways, I eventually met the Beef in this tiny city, taking a cab to the house of one of his Army buddies. Charley met me at the door where the first thing I saw was…his nutsack. The way he explained it, he dropped to his knees in despair after losing a game of Beirut and opened a two-foot tear in the inseam of his pants. And since he is allergic to underwear…yep. A whole lot of Chuck-nuts up in my face. The party was cool and I spent most of the following day recovering from the previous week.

June 12: NEUNKIRCHEN – I went with Charley and the rest of the officers in his unit to watch the American game at Hooters in the bustling city of Neunkirchen. It’s the only Hooters in Germany and not surprisingly, they placed it in the middle of a whole bunch of American servicemen. Charley was rushing us out the door because he was afraid we wouldn’t get a seat. As it was, we were six of what was maybe two dozen people there to watch the U.S. get throttled by the Czechs.

Side note: This sucked. Not just because we lost, but because of the way we lost. You don’t have to know a whole bunch about soccer to know that we got our asses handed to us that game. These no-bullshit Army dudes, many of whom have been in the shit, were not amused with watching the Stars and Stripes get embarrassed. They were coming to me for answers and I had nothing to give them. These dudes were a bunch of borderline fans – they wanted to get on the US bandwagon – but with a performance like that, I wouldn’t have blamed them if they gave up on the US Soccer team after that game.

Side Note II: One of the waitresses at Hooters was in Playboy a couple months ago. I didn’t recognize her, but she was certifiably hot and Waters (a country dude from Odessa, Texas) chatter her up for a little bit. Apparently she was on rotation from America and couldn’t wait to get out of there. She chatted with us just long enough to not appear rude – you can never really tell with Hooters chicks if they are into you or not. But 99% of the time, it’s the latter.

World Cup Journal Part I

These would have been posted earlier but I had a LOT of videos to return. Like, thousands.

June 7: SEATTLE/NEWARK/COLOGNE - Since when do we charge for booze on international flights? That’s one of the only things that make them tolerable! I spent two paychecks to get my last minute plane tickets and I planned on drinking at least $100 in Bloody Mary. And it took my favorite airplane move – buy the pretty lady in first class a drink – completely off the table. (it didn’t help that the continental plane didn’t even have a first class.)

June 8: HAMBURG - The eve of the World Cup. I try to make it out to the U.S. teams training ground but am turned around by the guys with machine guns. I had expected someone from the US Soccer Federation to greet me but as it was, I ended up wasting the trip. Hold on, I guess it wasn’t a complete waste. I got to see how the German authorities had barricaded the street leading up to the complex. All in all, it was an impressive display of security.

In the evening, I took a walk to the Reeperbahn and was comforted to see a pawn shop selling handguns for as little as 60 Euros. And a whole lot of sex shops. I wouldn’t say it makes Vegas look like a church bazaar, but it was close.

June 9: HAMBURG - It became impossible to sleep past about 8:30 a.m. this morning, partly because the northern sunshine streamed through the curtainless window of my hostel and partly because Zee Germans are marking the opening of the World Cup by leaning on their car horns as they drive down the tree-lined avenue. This is particularly vexing to me because I went out last night with a bunch of Aussies and Irishmen to the Reeperbahn, the infamous red-light district of the Free and Hanseatic City of Hamburg. I didn’t want to go, really, but there was a single American girl who wanted to tag along – the definition of a free agent. I thought my rap was pretty tight, but I lost her to one of the Irish dudes after she told me she was from Eugene and I gave her a few choice words about the Ducks. She was not impressed. It was the first of what promises to be many failed attempts to mack on the honeys. Got back at 4:30 a.m.

I get to attend a media session with the US Soccer team at 1:30 today. I need a clear head for that, so I went to the only place I could think of – Burger King. From the BK in the main area of Hamburg, you can take a dump from the second floor WC and look out the wide open windows on the businessmen and tourists hustling around below. A Top-Ten dumping location in Europe.

After I did my interviews, I scampered home to the hostel to pound something out. The result was Free and Easy, the one and only article that made it up on ESPN.com from this trip. I also got some stuff for future articles. But I did get to talk to a number of the players. Here are my impressions:

Clint Dempsey: This man is no joke. I was sitting about four feet away from him and was afraid. He’s intense, almost to the point that you aren’t really sure what he’ll do next. But Deuce, as he is called in the rap game, told me a lot about his background in Nagadoches and how it toughened him up.

John O’Brien: Held court in Dutch for the five or so reporters from the Netherlands. Also answered questions about his health, saying he was fit. I wasn’t entirely convinced when he kept repeating “I’m fit” and my initial conclusion turned out to be correct. We really could have used him against Ghana.

Jimmy Conrad: Cool dude.

Marcus Hahnemann: Really likes TOOL.

Below: Me, Waters, and Beef.

On why you haven't see any of my work lately

Hi everyone,

Just dropping a line from beautiful Germany, das Land der Dichter und Denker, to let you know what's up. For those of you looking for some of my work online - unfortunately, ESPN.com hasn't been able to publish a lot of them because they need to make room for great stuff like this. Only one of the things I wrote made it up so far. Oh well - that is parting of being at the bottom of the Totem Pole.

Some of the rest you will see below. And I will also be following with some more daily notes on what I have been up to. Hilarity will ensue, especially since Hitchcock just arrived in town. But right now I am off to a beach bar on the banks of the Isa river in Munich. Tschuessli.